Moving On

Pretty glad to put the year 2011 to rest. Quite possibly the most emotional year I've ever lived, and unfortunately most of those emotions were of the glass half empty type. Of course there have been some wonderfully amazing moments this year, and plenty of just plain nice, sweet, and happy things as well. It doesn't do one any good to dwell on the bad - which is hard when remnants tend to stick around here and there like dust bunnies under the bed or old photographs unearthed in closet-cleaning frenzies. But I've started to learn that it only takes a tiny bit of calm, some focus, and a pinch of distraction at times (but not too much!) to get those old feelings unstuck and to keep moving.

So I'm declaring 2012 the year of moving on, moving up, and just plain moving. Realizing how awful standing still can be was a good lesson, a necessary lesson. But enough is enough.

I still need to sit and write out some resolutions, some goals, for the year ahead. But for now it's all I can do to get my head, my heart, moving on.

Expectations

For some reason, well, probably for several reasons, I never caught the holiday spirit this year. Weather, finances, school, distractions abound. Not being a religious person probably has something to do with it as well but there are a lot of people who get totally caught up in the secular aspects of the holiday which is perfectly fine but it turns out I'm just not one of them. Not now, at least.

But I'm feeling ok about, I don't feel sad, I'm not depressed about the holidays, being "alone" etc. Sure there are moments I think it would be more than nice to have someone to drag along to parties and be dragged along to their family parties. Sure I miss the old way, the traditions that are no more. But not enough to make me feel down or like the absence of those things is a burden.

And I think it's because I've tried to manage my expectations. It's something that's always hard to do when events are on the calendar (whether it's a standing event like Christmas or an upcoming vacation or party). It's easy to get caught up in the prep and making things turn out just perfect, planning and thinking things through until expectations are sky-high. And then when reality rolls around and things surely don't go as planned it can be super easy to crash and burn and feel as though everything is ruined.

I don't want to feel that way anymore. And I'm quite guilty of the offense, have been for pretty much as long as I can remember. While I may never be someone who can easily and effortlessly go with the flow, I know I can be better about just enjoying life as it comes and keeping perspective. What may have once seemed like utter disaster is probably something that can be laughed away if I just stop and think about it. Or at least something that can be handled without a breakdown or breaking out my five-star pout. It's just not necessary.

There could also be a little defensive thinking here - having had some super big expectations dashed maybe I also want to protect myself, my heart. But it's a conscious choice I'm working on and overall I think it's a beneficial quality to develop. Life's certainly too short to pout about Christmas. They even wrote a song about it.

Weeks Ahead

Finally got to go running this morning. The first chance I had in two weeks where there was also daylight and enough energy to do it. Looking forward to getting out a few more days this week. I'm not exactly an outdoors person, especially in cold weather, so I was surprised to enjoy it - the fresh air, the Sunday morning quiet. I know the winter is just setting in and there will be lot colder temps in the weeks ahead but I'm going to keep pushing myself to get out there.

It's also just 5 weeks from the start of 1/2 marathon training time. Which means in the weeks ahead I'll also have to decide if I can and want to commit to it. The training program I looked at most recently recommended you be running a total of 10 miles a week when you get to week 1 of training. That's perfectly reasonable sounding, but I've never run in single-digit temps either. Nor do I have access to a soul-sucking deadmill, I mean treadmill. But instead of getting too far ahead of myself I'm going to focus on just this next week. 2 more runs, at minimum. Now that it's winter break I know I can make the time. Looking forward to it.

Run run run

I haven't had a chance to go running in about 10 days or so. And I can't wait to get out and go!! And it's winter! Maybe tomorrow, post-dentist appointment. It's hard right now, the darkest time of the year, to get a chance to go on workdays.

So I will now add to my list yet another thing I couldn't possibly imagine myself thinking a year ago. Though I do remember, in the first few days after things fell apart, thinking that when I felt physically able (turns out subsisting on crackers and protein smoothies for weeks will make you feel pretty bad), I'd run. I knew I would want to - just to escape if only for 30 minutes at a time.

And now I want to run because it feels good. Even better.

Pretty Certain

I'm pretty certain that a year ago, while spending every shred of my being to get through my longest (and apparently most well-written) policy research paper and first microeconomics final, I did NOT eat any meals quite like the one I just had. And it was leftovers.

Nope, not a chance that I could have thought I'd be able to make beef stew (with barley, mushrooms, and thyme) that actually tasted GOOD and had that alongside sourdough dinner rolls that also look and taste so wonderful, made with my own 2 month old starter. Not at all.

But I can, I did, and I'm really sort of proud. I would have taken a picture but it didn't last. Not tonight's at least.

Maybe it's the change in seasons and the fact that it's pitch dark when I arrive home after work. Or maybe it's the fact that procrastinating (it is finals time after all) while doing something for myself - to feed myself, seems perfectly reasonable. Either way, I'm glad that the cooking/baking bug seems to be catching. And that my confidence is gaining ground.

My stomach's pretty happy about it too.

Taking the advice

I've been given a whole lot of advice in the past few weeks. Almost all of it has been incredibly useful, and the topics have ranged widely - for example: how to make your to-do's better, why you should follow your passion in your career, how to properly roast a chicken, why I should make a better effort in my physical appearance, which color boots I should buy if I want to wear them with black and brown (tan and gray, for the record), and how to appropriately deal with self-defeating thought processes.

Pretty much everything was either directly solicited by me, or offered because the giver knows me well. I've appreciated every last thing these people have told me.

So then why has it been so hard to just take the advice - and keep taking it until whatever it is I asked about or had trouble with is no longer a question or a problem?

This is the challenge. I'm going to keep trying to do better. And I'm going to really hope that finishing the next few days of finals will give me the much-needed mental capacity to do it. So ready to feel like I've accomplished something meaningful. It's been a really long time since that's happened. Or maybe I just don't remember?

#5 and progress

I go through phases where I wear makeup and then I wear none, and then I do things like wear silver eyeliner and hot pink lip gloss. Oh wait, that was when I was 20. Anyway, I had been in a phase of wearing next to no makeup and while I'm fortunate to have "good" skin and while I also believe in "natural" beauty products, there really was something be said for how I felt when I took the time to do a little magic in front of the mirror each morning. It goes against my inner tomboy (she's pretty quiet, but she's there all the while, especially when it comes to hair, clothes, and makeup).

But at the urging (pushing?) of a certain friend, I re-committed to breaking out the mineral powder, eyeliner and lash curler each day. With the occasional addition of lipstick thrown in when extra emphasis was needed. And you know what? I'm glad I did. I do feel better about myself, I also feel like I look more awake and put together, which is nice when you need to fake the truth from time to time. And I do.

I still use mostly my natural mineral makeup, and I'm hooked on pure argan oil moisturizer, so the occasional conventional product isn't bothering me too much. All in all, I think I'll stick with it.

And I've got lipstick shopping on the to-do list as well. Who would have thought?

Now as for progress on the rest of my list (since I'm only 16% of the way there with 4 months to go), I'll say that there are a few things well underway and in progress, and several more on the winter break agenda. I can't wait to have a few weeks with no school work to worry about and suck up all my free time. It should be great. So consider this your warning, pink bathroom walls. I'm coming for you.

Cheer Up

Turned on Pandora and this came on and I think it was just the reminder I needed. Because right now I feel like I'm cheering up everyone but myself. And a whole lot of venom seems to be making its way through life.

"Cheer up baby, it wasn't really always quite so bad
For every bit of venom that came out, the antidote was had"

(Modest Mouse - Spitting Venom)

Getting better

There's no question that both my cooking skills and my confidence in the kitchen have come a long way since this time last year. To be truthful, I had about negative confidence when it came to cooking, and felt ok about baking - but uncertain. Now, thanks in large part to the fact that no one has to know if and when I mess things up terribly, I am starting to actually enjoy it a little bit.

Things that have helped me immensely are: a good, new knife (and truly, good quality tools in general), the How to Cook Everything cookbook by Mark Bittman (it's just amazingly useful for pretty much anything you'd want to make, technique, times, improv, etc.), and the right mindset. That last one was the hardest thing to overcome and I know I have a ways to go yet. But it's amazing how much better I feel about cooking when I relax, don't worry about making a mess, bring in some tunes or NPR or podcasts, and think carefully about what I'm doing, what's happening on the stove, and what adjustments I can make as I go.

And at the end of it all, I've hopefully got myself a decent homecooked meal, enough leftovers for lunches that week, and little bit better sense of self esteem. I'm still struggling to regain that after dealing with the ultimate rejection last year. I know I've got a long way to go, but I also know that I'm getting better.

On being alone

I find myself thinking a lot about being alone. I don't mean to say I dwell on the fact that I am alone and am thus sad, but rather my day to day life is filled with many things that come and go with just me being aware of them, or making the decisions, or handling problems and making things happen without anyone else's input or assistance - just me.

I am glad that the inner sense of independence I think I've always had, though pushed aside while in a relationship (isn't that the point?) has returned unscathed. I mean, I walk confidently alone - literally - wherever I go. I'm not afraid of my alone-ness. And it's a good quality to have - it's pretty much a necessity unless you want to live being afraid.

But on the other hand, I genuinely don't think I want to always live alone, be alone. Except I worry that maybe I'm not good at the not being alone thing. Did I push away the one person I felt the least alone with? Or did I throw out all sense of independence and crush the relationship with neediness? Or maybe I did both?

I have a feeling that's probably what happened.

And I can't help but think it's impossible to expect things would ever be different with anyone else. Indeed, when I even begin to think that maybe someday there could be someone else I just feel...nothing. I used to feel sick about that idea. Now I don't feel anything at all. It sounds nice, it seemed nice, but maybe it's just not for me.

I get back to trying to feel like I should balance my sense of independence without feeling like I'm being selfish, and without feeling like I'd never be able to live any other way. It's an inner conflict that I just don't know how to solve.

Now, back to doing my thing. Which is to say whatever I want to do. Alone. In my quiet little home.

Venting

Know what stinks? Living beyond your means because you lived beyond your means. What? I am talking about feeling awful when I spend more than $200/month on groceries or $40 more than allotted on "dining out" (i.e. getting anything at a place other than my house, lord knows no fine dining experiences are had by this girl) because I've got to pay down my credit cards.

I'm committed to doing that, but it. is. HARD. I just really want to not be broke. I want the thought of getting a drink or lunch with a friend to not also give me anxiety over my bank balance - I just want to be excited and spontaneous and head out the door to have a good time. I just want a break. Instead, I've got to get new tires next month (one of the two 3-paycheck months of the year). And Christmas gifts? Yeah. No clue where funds are going to come from for those.

And I don't want to feel guilty for saving up for things for myself. But I do. When I see my "30th b.day trip" or "KitchenAid Mixer" fund go up and up, I think maybe I ought to put that cash towards the damn debt and not spend $ on myself. But I also know that when I start feeling like I'll never be able to buy anything for myself ever again it becomes a lot easier to break out the credit card for "just one thing". And then poof, I'm another $50 behind.

It's a vicious cycle. It's no one's fault but my own. I'm just REALLY ready to be done with it and maybe increase my "standard of living" to one where I can do more living and a little less worrying. Someday.

First time for everything

One of the biggest challenges I've felt as a single girl is the need/desire to cook for myself (and occasionally others) at a level that meets my bare minimum expectations to be 1.) somewhat healthy 2.) at least a little bit delicious and 3.) to use use "good" (read: local/organic/unprocessed) ingredients.

Tonight I didn't exactly meet all of those requirements but I did have a big first in my kitchen. That would be cooking something with not one, not two, but three kinds of meat and I don't think I screwed it up and it involved whizzing some bacon in a food processor and using my hands to mix up two+ pounds of raw meat and eggs, form it into a free form loaf with chopped up veggies and cooking that huge thing for over an hour till it became meatloaf awesomeness (one of the venerable Gourmet magazine's last recipes). I actually think I requested this from the live-in chef who used to occupy my kitchen. Regardless, I felt like it would be a feat to accomplish and I jumped in.

Amazingly, the dish turned out well - I am starting to feel more and more comfortable in the kitchen - but of course I am alone and not cooking for anyone but myself. The pace is my own, the results are judged by no one but me, and total failures or complete mistakes can be whisked into the trash while no one's the wiser. The biggest hang-up I had when cooking (or thinking about cooking) when I was not single was that I'd be judged. That's completely irrational and I know it wouldn't have been that bad, but I didn't have the confidence one way or another.

And so I'm proud that I stepped out of my comfort zone tonight, got my hands dirty (and by that I mean, I really had to use my hands to mix up all the raw ingredients and I don't think I've ever done that before), and sat myself at the table with a glass of wine, a cloth napkin, no computer and a real meal cooked from scratch with my own two hands.

It doesn't sound like much to some people I'm sure, but for me, it was a pretty big first.

Now, who wants meatloaf leftovers? Good grief I never realized how much 2 lbs. of meat really was!! I should have halved the recipe. Eh. Live and learn.

#4

After several weeks, I've finally crossed another thing off my list and it feels like a weight has been lifted. Ok, so I guess a weight really has been lifted in the form of a whole lot of my hair. Yesterday I went and saw my favorite hair stylist at her super cute salon and said, ok, I think I'm ready for something drastic, I don't know, but I trust you.

And since she'd already been instructed by a certain friend/cousin not to let me leave without a major change, I think she was up for it.

I honestly felt pretty apathetic about it - like I knew I wasn't going to feel any sadness but I wasn't sure I'd be all that excited and couldn't decide if a new haircut would do anything for me.

Thankfully she's great, and did a wonderful job and gave me a haircut that seems super easy to maintain but definitely outside of the "safe zone" meaning: 1. the back of my neck is showing and 2. no ponytails.

It's a good thing. And lots of compliments already. Glad I went for it and even more glad I have fabulous people who can make it happen :)

Reminder

This is my note-to-self to take every single thing just one tiny step at a time. I completely suck at that and tend to jump right to the big picture and forget about all the stuff in between thus becoming immediately overwhelmed. I set my expectations high and then feel utterly unable to reach them from day one.

So I'm going to have to remind myself to do better by doing less. We'll see how it goes.

Also, by less I may mean getting my hair chopped. And while that's on my list of things to accomplish before 4/1/12 I am feeling total cold feet. I know it's just hair, but sometimes my long hair feels like a security blanket of sorts. My identity. The girl with the plain long hair. Pretty, but nothing special. So maybe I'll get the guts to break that mold, even just a tiny bit.

Exhausted

Today was one of those wear-you-down-till-every-last-ounce-of-your-energy is gone days. I never feel super energetic but this is the absolute opposite feeling.

The one bright spot was (finally) seeing a counselor. I have a completely open mind about it all and she seems like a good fit. All I know is something's gotta give.

And even better, she gave me the name of, and a recommendation for, a sleeping medicine that I need to ask my doctor about. Because I honestly don't know when the last time I fell asleep and had a good night's rest was. That would be major progress for sure.

Defined

Most of the time I am not entirely self-conscious of or really even thinking about my status as a single person. Certainly it crosses my mind during day-to-day stuff but it's fleeting and generally when I'm not otherwise consumed with the actual business of living life.

Which makes me wonder why other people at times seem to define me by my singleness. Like, it's one of the first things people bring up in conversation - or just brought up at all (note: if you're someone who considers me a close friend I am NOT talking about you. This is an acquaintance-only phenomenon I am concerned with). I don't see why it would be the easiest or most interesting thing to discuss with me.

Sample Conversation: "Are you dating anyone?" "No" "You're so cute/smart/fun" "That's very sweet of you, thanks."

Basically it's all kinds of awkward and how in the hell am I supposed to respond? "No, I am not but as soon as a person who blows me away both from a physical and intellectual attraction standpoint asks me out, I'll be sure to fill you in."

Obviously not the right response.

But how about instead of putting me into a little box that is my relationship status, people ask about school, or food, or the city or just if I've read any good books lately or hell, how I feel about the Dalai Lama. I mean, wouldn't anything be a better, more appropriate and less awkward conversation?

I guess at this point I just accept it, use my manners, and remember (like I would ever do this myself) never to discuss the relationship status of someone other than a close friend, especially in public.

Not Enough

The past year was filled with all kinds of crappiness. Yet for the most part I was pretty successful with school and did very well with work. I channeled a lot of my need to keep moving and distract myself into these two venues, and it mostly worked. I think if I had a super easy job and no school to worry about the last year would have been much more difficult, simply due to the fact that I'd have a lot more time to dwell on it.

Now that things are not so much in crisis mode I thought I'd be doing even better - I'd really get to focus on school and put everything I had into it because I am single, broke, and intelligent. Unfortunately that hasn't exactly been the case. No, I'm not struggling with grades or skipping class - that's definitely not my style. But I really don't feel like I'm putting anywhere near my best effort into things, and I personally have a hard time with that.

I could wish again and again for the chance to have been a full time student, but that's disingenuous. I'm convinced on a daily basis that my school work benefits my actual career, both in the present and will in the future - and that my work benefits my school work by giving me perspective and background that other classmates may not have.

So it's not that. I just haven't been sucking it up and forcing myself to work on anything short of a last minute deadline for school. Not to mention the fact that work is BUSY. We are a family of people with a serious work ethic. So despite the fact that my the all this might not benefit my bank account, I say bring it on. It's interesting, I feel like I am using my brain (to excess, when it starts spinning and can't stop), and I feel like I'd be crazy not to take every opportunity to learn something new and show my value to my employer. In this economy I think that's especially important.

But at the end of the day I really feel like none of it's enough - I'm not performing as highly as I'd like to with work - why am I always feeling like I'm a day or two behind? Shouldn't I have adjusted to the new workload? I know I have before, so what's stopping me now? And why am I not pulling it together with school? Why would I want to torture myself with page after page of writing to do days, hours, before the deadline when I know weeks in advance what's expected?

Remember when I said that thing about being my own worst critic? Yeah. That again.

Minor Breakdown + Friends

A minor breakdown today...was hoping to get through the week without one but sometimes things are just out of your control and you go with it, and move on. So while I'm about a hundred steps closer to deleting Facebook (oh if it weren't for the adorable kiddo pictures, namely of my niece and increasingly of my good friend's babies), I'd have done it already.

But that's beside the point. The point is that every day I am completely and totally grateful for my friends. There's no question that they have and continue to say and do pretty much everything right. I don't know where I'd be without them. Damn lucky to know so many amazing folks. And to have the instant ear of a select few whom I am not sure I can ever repay for all they've done.

Song of the Week

Hitting the 1 year mark (since, well, life threw me for a loop I never saw coming) means this is going to be the theme song for my week. I may drive my neighbors nuts by playing it and singing along all week long and I don't care one bit.

Mates of State: True Love Will Find You In The End from Amplified on Vimeo.

Running

Ran another 5k today, with some friends in halloween costumes (and a jogging stroller). Lots of fun, definitely walked a bunch and for that reason (and because it was just for fun) I am not worried about my very slow time. It was also through a VERY hilly neighborhood, so it's a good workout even if you're walking. We talked about signing up for the half marathon in April. That means a 12 week training program will start on January 23rd and I am completely unsure about my ability (and desire) to do that much running in the worst of the St. Louis winter. I absolutely HATE winter, hate the ice, hate the cold that takes your breath away. And I don't have the budget for fancy clothes and gear to actually survive that kind of weather. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to the next 5k and hope to really run it, trying to get my best time yet. If I can get myself to an 11 minute mile I'll feel pretty good about that.

And yeah, definitely going to need some new shoes soon.

Cards

(image via the Star-Telegram. Ha!)

The Cardinals are most certainly one of my most favorite things about St. Louis. And last night they did NOT disappoint. Coming from behind in both the series and the game in the 8th inning to win game 6 of the 2011 World Series against the Texas Rangers with a walk-off homerun slugged by the hometown boy (who happens to be one year my junior - feeling old?) in 11 glorious nail-bitingly awesome innings. And not only was the team - and its manager Tony LaRussa completely and totally giving it their all - the fans kept with 'em, staying to celebrate as long as they possibly could but without any ridiculous rioting or awful behavior "other" baseball towns may be occasionally guilty of.

Now, on to Game 7! Tonight is going to be the true test, but after last night (and this lackluster season), every else seems like gravy.

Immediate Gratification/Decisions

We had to watch this video for my HR class and I found it hitting me that maybe this is why I've struggled with spending and paying down my debts. I'm thinking of the time between the rewards (i.e. do something fun or buy something I think I need now versus in a few years when I am out of debt) and NOT also looking at the value of the rewards (is a $10 lunch today worth it when I'll be paying interest and putting myself another step away from being debt-free and having MUCH more disposable income so these decisions aren't even an issue?).

It's dry, and probably a bit obvious, but sometimes some things just click.

Also, I decidedly do NOT have "money-life balance". Never considered that phrase, but know that it sure would be a lovely thing to have.

...

Feeling sad about money now. I hate that. But it's so frustrating when you feel like you're stuck, prevented from doing all sorts of things you want to do.

In a funk today. Work is crazy, school is too, and there's never enough time to stay caught up, keep people happy and maybe get a good night's sleep every now and then.

I think it's probably best if I just keep my mouth shut for the next day or two (read: stop whining) and get some stuff taken care of so I can relax. Whatever that means.

Buckling Down

Tightening the belt. Pinching pennies.

Say it anyway you'd like but the end result is the same. I have GOT to get myself into a better place with my finances. I know exactly what I need to do and I know exactly where I can cut. Why is this such a problem?

Well, I could lay the blame in any number of places: poor financial skills paired with endlessly easy sources of credit from day 1 of college (or actually, from the summer of my 18th year onward). Or maybe it was my choice to move out, support myself on an hourly wage, and try to enjoy my early 20s as best I could (concerts, dinner out, new clothes now and then - basically living a tiny bit beyond my means and letting those tiny bits add up). Or maybe it was the putting myself through college thing (and thus charging my junior college tuition and taking out student loans for university). I could also blame the situation that put me in a bigger, nicer apartment with bigger rent and utilities that I now pay on my own instead of splitting two ways.

All of those things could be where I lay the blame. But what good does that do?

I'm ready to put the past behind me and truly buckle down, kick my credit card balances in the you-know-what and get out of the hole I dug myself.

I'm so tired of being 29 years old with a good paying job and still anxiously staring at the total on the checkout screen. Or cringing when the bill comes after a nice dinner with friends. Or saying no to the idea of taking a weekend trip to visit someone out of town who I love and miss. Or feeling bad when it's time to give someone a gift because my bank account has dwindled to nearly nothing. Etc., etc. etc. I'm so damn tired of it.

I want to live my life without this unnecessary burden. Which is not to say I want to be "rich" or have the capacity to dine at Niche every night of the week if I wanted (and I'm not sure I want to. Nor does my waistline). I just want to be able to relax about money, not fear an overdraft, or dread logging into my account, and build up some savings so when things like new tires or property tax or multiple birthdays/weddings, etc. loom, I'm good with it.

And maybe be able to treat myself now and then, guilt-free. Like that super cute green wool coat I've got my eye on over on my Pinterest board...

All of this means that once and for all I have to stop making excuses for why I can spend this little bit here and there on my credit card, why I can't take this chunk of cash out of my savings account, why I should think twice about shopping when there is food in my pantry and fridge. It's not going to be fun necessarily, and it's not going to be easy - but it IS going to be worth it to one day feel like I'm in control again. Holding oneself accountable is the hardest thing to do. But I'm putting my foot down once and for all.

Anyone got any other euphemisms? I think this post could use a few more ;)

Own worst critic

Sometimes I'm completely and totally my own worst critic. Actually, I take that back. I'm pretty much always my own worst critic. Whether the situation is at work, school, or in life in general, I'm the first person (and truly, pretty often the only person) to make me feel bad about something. It's a bad habit and I'd love to try and break it. But I think it's rooted deep - somewhere near my inner perfectionist no doubt.

Of course, I'm well aware of my humanity - but I just have a hard time giving myself a break (without a guilt trip at least).

Take this weekend for example- it's been pretty damn awesome. I had an incredibly long week of work after an incredibly long few weeks of school and by Friday night I was more than ready to shift gears, let my hair down a bit and just relax.

And relax I did - from the minute I left work (at 6, instead of 4:30) on Friday until now. I've seen tons of friends, lounged around, watched a bunch of baseball, read a bunch of nonsense online, had breakfast out w/ the girls, hiked 4+ miles at Pere Marquette, watched the Cardinals kill the Rangers last night over several beers, watched the Cardinals get killed by the Rangers tonight over a few glasses of wine, saw my first marathon, cheered on a friend, jogged in the park, picked up groceries, planned some meals, and cooked dinner.

And yet, and yet, I still have a feeling of guilt that I didn't use my time as best I could. Truthfully, I spent several hours this weekend just telling myself to pull it together and get something done. Anything. Cooking, cleaning, it didn't matter - I kept telling myself how much better I would feel about the upcoming week if I could just have a "productive" day today.

But I didn't. And I'm not sure if that makes me lazy, or if my subconscious is trying to get me to relax. The problem is with school and other stuff taking up most of my "free time", I feel like weekends HAVE to be productive. I can relax, but I have to do just as much around the house and with homework. And when I don't, I'm disappointed and feel like I've failed.

I have no clue what's right. I tell myself that it's ok to be lazy - but the angel on the other shoulder tells me I'm not living up to my potential and this is exactly why. And I'm torn.

Break

Finally - what has seemed like the longest midterm season yet is finished! To celebrate, I'm taking myself on a long overdue visit to 33 for a glass (or more) of wine, maybe some cheese, and The Death and Life of Great American Cities. So I can make some more progress on my list, you know. Currently on page 187 of 448 and it's not exactly "easy" reading. Which is completely the point.

Anyway, I can't wait.

Next?

Trying to decide which thing on my list I should cross off next. I tried including several things that cost little or no money because my budget is stretched as thin as can be with my big push to pay off the credit cards (and, you know, taking on the bigger rent by myself last year, and, you know, having the exact same paycheck since the beginning of 2008. Le sigh). But the fact is most of my list will require some kind of expenditure of my so-called disposable income.

I did pick up The Art of Happiness again this morning and I'm glad I did. But I want to read that slowly and I have many more chapters to get through. It's really nice to pick it up on Sunday mornings and read 1 or 2 sections and really let it sink in, instead of trying to turn as many pages as possible before I fall asleep at night (besides, that's when I read my HR and Finance text books!).

Thinking this over in the next few days. If I want to get everything done (though some things will be "in progress" for a bit), I need to check off 5 things each month. Roller derby? Hair cut? Bike riding? We'll see!

#3

Ran my first 5k race this morning. A race against no one but myself, but it was a lot of fun and I was surrounded with good company. I look forward to the next one, and beating my current "official" race time of 36.41 minutes. I know I can probably do a bit better than that, but it's not too shabby since I've totally slacked off with regular running lately. Time to get going again. May need to find some leggings or something though. It's definitely fall!

Next running goal is to run a 10k, but I think some more 5ks and maybe a 5-miler are in the future too. And probably a new pair of shoes.

One page

One page away from hitting the minimum required length on my first midterm paper and I get hit with a dose of f-ing nostalgia or flashbacks or whatever you want to call it when you remember suddenly how life used to be and it almost feels like you're living it again - sitting on the couch in front of the open window next to the front door that surely is going to open any second because you just heard that car pull up and you'll no longer be alone.

But you are.

Dammit.

Not letting this keep me from finishing this stupid paper tonight, but totally wishing that feeling would just go away forever and never ever come back.

Procrastination via Oven

I've never been a person with super strong study skills or the ability to sit and work on nothing but school work for hours at a time. Most of this is due to sheer luck and being "good" at school. I am in my 2nd to last semester of grad school and I'm really looking forward to being finished. But at this point, what with the maturity of an almost 30-year-old and the fact that I am paying every last dollar of my tuition costs, you'd think I'd put a smidge more effort into things. You'd think I wouldn't procrastinate on every last assignment. You'd think I could sit down in front of my computer, knock out several pages of a research paper on a topic of my own choosing in my chosen career field, and have no problems.

You'd be wrong.

Instead, I find myself constantly drawn to stupidly checking this or that website, and even more distractingly - cooking. That's right - I can find all the energy in the world for baking cookies, trying out a new recipe for my lunch that week, organizing the fridge, and learning how to make sourdough bread, and of course, washing every last dish in the sink, several times a day. All the while I have piles of school work just waiting: reading, papers, group assignments. I wish I could zone everything out and focus on what's really important. Instead, I let my stomach trump my brain.

And when this is the end result, I mean, can you blame me?

Baking and Yoga

Two things that I enjoy. Two things I'd like to do more of. Two things I need to stop making excuses about why I CAN'T do them.

This weekend I dragged myself to the fabulous outdoor class at the Tower Grove Farmer's Market. And, as always, it was completely worth it. I need to continue taking advantage of area classes throughout the winter but also recommit to doing yoga at home. It's easier to practice headstands in the privacy of my living room anyway! This doesn't have to be a big expensive thing, I have some good DVDs and can probably download a few other new lessons from iTunes. I used to be pretty decent (like, an advanced beginner trending towards intermediate) yoga student. Now I'm definitely a beginner who knows what she's capable of but doesn't have the physical ability at this point. But I know it'll come right back if I try. It's also a good companion to running. Which I absolutely must do more of.

I also began a sourdough starter two weeks ago and now, after a week in the fridge, it's been fed again so I can bake tomorrow. My first attempt and I'm feeling pretty good about it, thanks to several great tutorial's I've found online, and the right attitude. I love bread, and I enjoy baking - I'm one of those type A folks who doesn't feel intimidated by step by step instructions (I prefer them...probably why my cooking skills are lacking), and while my sweet tooth has withered away a bit, I do still love a good cookie and am always up to try something new. And of course there's bread. I absolutely love it. And if I keep up with the yoga and running, I can eat it without much worry. It's all about balance.

So I'm looking forward to putting more energy into these two things, because they both return the favor - and usually several times over. In both cases, practice makes perfect (well, no one's perfect, but practice makes better!) and the rewards are sweet.

#2

The second thing I accomplished was to use the dusty-but-essentially-new Weber kettle grill that had been languishing in my basement for a year. I wanted to haul it out, start the fire, and cook myself something delicious for dinner all on my own. Of course it was sort of a cheat to do it on my own because if I failed the only people to know are my crazy neighbors and me. Thankfully, I didn't fail. I had one hell of a delicious pork tenderloin - and it was pretty relaxing once I got everything under control. The whole sitting back with a beer thing while an open fire takes care of dinner was pretty great. And funnily enough, my little sis who lives 2 buildings down saw me from her porch and cheered me on. Next time I'll invite her down and we can grill together.

Girl vs. Grill tally: Girl 1 :)

#1

The first thing I accomplished on my not-even-fully-30-things-to-do-before-30 list was climbing the Compton Hill Water Tower. Where I took this picture.

St. Louis has 3 of the remaining 7 (or maybe 8) water towers in the United States, and this is the only one that's been restored fully so you can go up inside. They open it to visitors twice a month, the first Saturday and on full moon nights. I'll be going back on Tuesday when there's a full moon to check it out after dark. But this view, in my opinion, is even better than the Arch. 360 to boot. I love this city.

30

Just typing the title leaves me feeling a bit...disgusted? No, that's too harsh. But annoyed, or irritated perhaps. The truth is - quite clearly - I'm not ready to turn 30. But ready or not, in 6 months that'll be the case. I get that freaking out about a stupid number is entirely melodramatic but I'm gonna do it anyway.

I just haven't entirely accepted that this is how things are going to be as I hit that marker that shoves a person solidly into "adulthood", and "real life" regardless of what they've managed to accomplish and how they feel about it all.

So I've considered a list of 30 things I want to accomplish/experience before age 30. The problem with me and lists is that I feel incredibly foolish if I'm unable to check off every last thing in time. I don't want to feel a sense of failure...I want to feel a sense of accomplishment, and most of all, I really want to have something positive to look forward to that Sunday in April.

1. Run a 5K race - done! 10/15/11 in 36 mins
2. Run 10K (6+ miles) - done! 3/3/12
3. Have my place professionally cleaned
4. Pay off my credit cards (all 4 - but I'll settle for 3 by then) 3 down, 1 to go as of 4/6/12 (thank you student loan surplus) - DONE!!!!! 12/14/2012
5. Climb Compton Water Tower - done! 10/1/11
6. Take the knife skills class at Kitchen Conservatory - done 1/11/12!
7. Fly somewhere I've never been to - 3/25/11 to Seattle for work conference
8. Get another massage at the Chase Spa
9. Paint the bathroom - done 2/20/12
10. Paint the hallway
11. Clean up the basement storage
12. Use the BBQ grill (burn a bunch of sage on it first!) - done! Success on 10/2/11
13. Finish reading Death and Life of Great American Cities
14. Finish reading The Art of Happiness
15. Have a bike and ride it around
16. Wear makeup. Like eyeliner, and maybe lipstick. Regularly. - done, er, rather, habit formed! 12/1/11
17. Get a less than safe haircut - done on 11/11/11 w/ a big drastic chop!
18. Buy a case of wine, all at once
19. Get good at baking sourdough bread
20. Make at least 1/2 my Christmas gifts - didn't happen, but I'm ok with it and not going to dwell on a less than 100% score for this list.
21. Buy a pair of jeans from somewhere swankier than The Gap
22. Go sledding on Art Hill - Winter 2011/12 was a total bust in terms of snow. Bummer!
23. Eat dinner at 1 of the awesome places I never get to go to anymore - done 2/5/12 with a fab dinner at Niche
24. Eat something I've never eaten before - ate beef cheeks and stinging nettles at 2 nice restaurants in March. It was a good eating month!
25. Knit something other than a glorified potholder
26. Watch a roller derby bout - done 2/4/12
27. Buy myself a piece of pretty jewelry - done 4/12, got a cute little ring from Etsy
28. Hang out at the Hilton's new 360 bar. Went with friends on 4/5/12
29. Try contacts. Again. For the 4th time. - not so sure of this...the last eye doc I went to wasn't so convinced contacts were for me...a strong blinker - ha!
30. Take a last minute trip (i.e. sans months of planning)

Answers

I have none. None whatsoever. It's frustrating when you think about how life can throw you for a complete and total loop and still at the end of the day you don't have an answer for someone. Not fair - without a doubt.

Happiness

Making a concerted effort to be happy is certainly something I wish I didn't have to do, and certainly wasn't something I used to have to do. Sure, there have always been things that made me sad or upset or frustrated, but deep down, I generally have been a happy person - who loved to talk, laugh, and just tried to keep an optimistic or idealistic view.

I haven't felt that way in months. I absolutely miss being truly happy - and I think re-learning how to do that is going to take some time. Sure, there are still things that make me laugh, and I make optimistic and idealistic statements still, but it doesn't feel the same and it doesn't always feel deep or true. Sometimes it's actually forced, other times it's more of an automatic response, and still others it's just plain shallow emotion.

There are times when I wish I could stop it - and force myself to wake up and just feel better. I'd love to simply snap out of it. But after enough wallowing I've begun to look anywhere and everywhere for inspiration, distraction, guidance, and have forced myself to give these things a chance. It's hard though. To go from the broken-hearted feeling (which, cliche as it is, was at times a true, physical feeling) to the numb, empty-hearted feeling (which also can be a near-physical sensation...odd and unnerving at times) to something just a bit further down that line back towards real, true happiness would be outstanding.

The past two weekends have been whirlwinds (most of all with the wedding of my childhood best friend) and it was the closest to happiness I've felt in a long time. It was nice. I hope there's more to come.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem feeling true and genuine happiness for others (i.e. my best friend) and I know that there was a time when I completely and truly felt what they feel. But it's missing in my soul right now - for me. Just typing this feels selfish, self-centered somehow and I think it's just going to be an uphill battle.

Crazy

I know that on the spectrum of craziness, I'm not exactly all that far down the line (though surely some family and friends may disagree) but I feel like recently I've become oddly paranoid. I think it's a result of being on my own, and I don't like it one bit.

I'm not talking about paranoid that something/someone is lurking and out to get me. I feel perfectly safe coming and going wherever I am. That's one thing I'm proud of - my independence and realistic sense of my surroundings.

No, this paranoia is more of the social sort. I constantly feel as though people are annoyed with me or upset about something I've said or emailed or just wish I would shut up. I have NO idea if any of this is true, and I would imagine that it's quite likely I'm being overly sensitive. But I think it's because I don't have that one person anymore who is there, always, to listen (even if sometimes it's half-assed). So when I email/text/tweet/call people and they don't really respond, I begin to worry.

I hate feeling so emotionally dependent on others. I just got so very used to having someone around who did truly care about things I had to say (well, until they stopped, of course). So now that I'm flying solo sometimes it just feels lonely. So I reach out. And then get confused when people don't always reach back. I don't expect the same level of concern for my daily life from others that you would from a significant other, but I guess it can be hard when you realize you're no one's first priority. They've all got other people to worry about ahead of you.

I think this sounds selfish, and yes, crazy. I'd love it if these things didn't bother me, but it's just one of the transitions back to (never-ending, I'm sure) single-dom that I struggle with. Hopefully not forever.

Change

It's the last "official" weekend of summer and mother nature seems to be in agreement - yesterday we suffered through 100 degrees and today it's in the 70s. The upcoming forecast has the beginning stages of fall weather written all over it, and honestly I'm glad. Summer is nice for like a month. I'm glad we have all four seasons here in St. Louis.

This year, well, these past 10 months, has been something of a blur and whenever there's a noticeable change or passing of time I find myself stopping and thinking about what's gone, where things might have been, and what could possibly be ahead. Ok, I'm lying, I think a whole lot more about the first two than the latter. I can try to think ahead but I generally get stuck beyond finishing grad school next spring, and even that's a stretch. I'm in more of a day-by-day mode still. I guess that's better than spending each day only looking back.

I don't want to keep feeling like this but I am not sure how to shake it. Nothing seems worth planning for at this point, mostly given my mediocre financial situation. I feel like the walking "bad example" for how to not live your life. Meaning - I'm the person that took out credit cards in college to support herself, pay tuition and books, and enjoy things like concerts, dinners, new clothes here and there. Never anything extravagant so most people wouldn't expect that I'd still be paying the price for the first half of my 20s at the tail end of the second half. But here I am - living the way a poor college student ought to live, except I'm 29. Gone are the new clothes (which sucks when you have a "real" job to dress for), weekends out of town (which would probably be good for my sanity, but oh well), dinners and wine and social events for the most part (again, never an extravagance but those are some of my favorite things to spend disposable income on. And I can't).

It all comes down to making some major changes in how I live my day to day life today, so that tomorrow - whenever that may finally come - will be less stressful, debt-free, and a reflection of who I am in the present, not who I was in the past. It's hard. It's frustrating. It's depressing quite frankly. I'm willing to take all personal responsibility though, and make my situation better. I just can't help but wish I wasn't even here in the first place.

Oh well. Keep on keeping on. Or something like that.

I'm certain

I'm certain that I'd never be able to raise a kid on my own, at least not with my (hardly hanging-on as it is) sanity in tact. Of course, this isn't even REMOTELY close to being an actual issue, but I've recently been provided with some pretty certain evidence to back up my beliefs. It's really really hard and I give all kinds of credit to those who do it - and the acknowledgment that I still really have just an inkling of an idea of the difficulty they go through - all for love of someone who you have to let grow up and go off and lead their own life - not even stick it out the way a partner you love would/should.

Anyway, lots of babies around these days and I know that their numbers will only continue to grow ("that age" as they say), so I'm glad to have a bit of understanding and experience for what goes into parenting. Those people are stronger than me, for sure.

Blue Box and Facebook

Sometimes you'll find yourself in front of the computer scarfing down an entire box of mac 'n cheese (though this was Annie's Organic in a blue box, but does it really even matter? No.) while FB stalking people's photos of them doing wonderful active things like: running 5ks and half marathons, trekking through mountains and canyons, testing out new road bikes, etc., etc.

And you will likely start to feel bad about yourself because 1.) you've begun running this year too, mostly because you can't ACTUALLY run away from things so it's nice to pretend like you are every now and then but 2.) you've become stuck at the 3 mile marker, can hardly manage that without occasionally walking, and are not really sure you'll ever get better and 3.) the horizontal striped shirt you wore today lived up to its figure-crushing reputation.

It can be frustrating to say the least. Of course, not bad enough to, I don't know, step away from the shells and cheese.

Oh well, at least you used an actual bowl and sat at the table. That counts for something, right?

Sleep

Why is something so very necessary to function in our daily lives so hard to come by - at least in any sufficient manner on a consistent basis?

Of course, I could throw back a Tylenol PM or two every night at 9:45, but that seems unrealistic. I'm not even home till 10 a few nights a week and need to wind down after class. I don't want to stay up excessively late though - there's absolutely no reason to do so. But it never fails that a majority of the nights each week I either go to bed too late or can't fall asleep or have a fitful night sleeping or feel like the waking dead when NPR starts telling me stories about dolphins or veterans or composers or politicians.

Does anyone actually ever in their lives feel like they get enough good sleep to be the happiest they can be? It seems a bit futile, to be honest. I hate that I even have to think about though. Like I said, why is something so necessary so damn hard?

Lazy

I have had quite the lazy Saturday. I wanted to get up early and run before brunch with some friends, but it didn't happen. When my alarm went off at 8, all I wanted to do was sleep in a few more hours - preferably with a cloudy sky or even rain making it feel like that's exactly what the rest of the world was doing too. Needless to say, that meant I was in no mood for a run. It's too bad because my running has really taken a dive with the onset of summer's deep heat, then the beginning of school. I need to find a way to work it into my new routine, and hopefully better temps will work in my favor, especially for the post-work runs I enjoy most of all.

Aside from a quick run to the bakery outlet (which I absolutely must support more often, it's a hell of a deal at $2/lb for artisan bread, including my very favorite for sandwiches), then a lovely brunch with two wonderful friends, I have done nothing today. Laundry, dishes, that's it.

I have a really hard time reconciling my desire to be a near-hermit most weekends, venturing out only for groceries as needed, with the fact that I should be enjoying the city and seeing friends and taking advantage of all the cool stuff that's out there. But to be honest, I AM happy after a long day of cleaning my little place, maybe doing some kind of cooking, and recharging my batteries to take on the week. But I think I should try to push myself out of my comfort zone (and oh, what a comfort it is to sit around in stretchy pants and tank tops and chug iced tea or water with lemon and read everything that catches my eye online).

I'm not a huge fan of summer heat and we've have a lot of that lately, but even on the nicest days I find myself sitting here, windows wide open and breezes blowing, but never going further than the backyard for a cup of coffee and some reading, or a quick run to my favorite grocery store. And this is where I'm conflicted. I feel like I need to focus inward after a long (and honestly, ongoing) road back from the breakup, followed by an intense several months of getting the house I grew up in ready for sale. So I don't feel entirely wrong for wanting to keep to myself and take it easy on Saturday and Sunday.

BUT, I'm 29, and feel like I'm keeping myself away from living life how I should be living, how you'd expect a girl with no real responsibilities these two days of the week to be. Add that to the fact that I am just a type-A kind of person for whom relaxation does not come naturally (like, I have no idea when I last took a nap - maybe a year ago?), and you have a recipe for unnecessary anxiety about the "right" way to spend a weekend.

Seems a little ridiculous now that I've written it all out. But that doesn't change the fact that it's what goes through my head and heart and here I am. Working on it.

Weekends

I have this love/hate thing with weekends. More love when work is tough, more hate when they're either filled (or conspicuously not filled) with things I used to do only not by myself. They can be hard to get through - and I'd say most days my range of feelings varies like crazy. If things don't quite go as planned I don't take it as well as I ought to because sometimes those two days can seem so incredibly precious.

I fully realize I should just learn how the hell to take it easy, relax on the weekends and not feel guilty about anything that does or does not get done, but that is exactly the problem. I'm not quite sure how to. I can tell myself to not worry a million times but the voice on the other shoulder will remind me of all the to-dos I should be crossing off and people I should be seeing.

None of these issues seem to be made much easier by the fact that I'm pushing full force ahead with my get the hell out of credit card debt ASAP plan. I just can not stomach the fact that I could have balances on my credit cards at age 30 when I've had a great, good paying job since age 26 - but unless I really get it together, I might. That's disappointing and a source of underlying stress.

So, some day I look forward to enjoying weekends again with great anticipation and a carefree attitude about what I do or do not do. Until then, I'm just going to try not to whine about cleaning the kitchen or how much lighter fluid my neighbor seems to require to make 2 pork steaks on his Weber. It's a start.

Week 1

Week 1 of this second-to-last semester is in the books. Well, I haven't exactly HIT the books yet, but the classes are finished and things are fine. Again, I think I can avoid a lot of the stress and anxiety I've given myself in past semesters by staying on top of things, and I have absolutely no excuse not to do so. The benefit of being single and broke? Eh, I suppose. But either way, the countdown is on.

Got it

I got it. Paper Thin Walls was the first song on Pandora this morning so I'm pretty sure that starting things up again here is a good plan.

Begin

I used to really like to write here. It's been years since I last posted, but somehow due to the beauty (horror?) of the internets, this place still exists, I can log in, and not surprisingly, it's apparently part of Google. I actually stumbled upon this place after leaving a comment on another blog and was sort of automatically logged into the profile, thought, "oh yeah! paper thin walls!", and began thinking about giving it a go.

So this is where I'll begin.

It's been a year of beginnings, or endings, or whatever the hell we're supposed to call it when life throws you for a hell of a loop and you eventually find yourself on your feet, not entirely steady but not entirely broken. You figure out how everything goes again in this new life where some things feel so completely NEW and then you alter the view and think some things have never changed. Everyone has probably been there at some point, and to differing degrees and I have no doubt that I'll be feeling some kind of beginning again and again. Life. That's just what it does, whether we like it or not.

I'm not entirely certain what direction to take this, but I am trying not to over-think it, because really NO ONE is out there, I'm not sure I want to tell folks this is even reincarnated, and also because it is a blog for pete's sake. But I also don't want to put myself in a box of sorts because I think maybe writing will be a very useful thing and I want to do everything I can to encourage any and all good that comes from this. I need a little more good in my life - and I'm pretty damn sure that it's gonna have to just come from yours truly.

I also don't want to use this an another form of procrastination when piles of reading and homework and paper-writing are looming as I wrap up my final year of grad school. That's right, 262 days from now (who's counting? I AM!) I shall have a piece of paper declaring my ability to master a subject that I wasn't even sure I could define 10 years ago, hell, probably even 6-7 years ago. It's going well, I could be doing better and putting more effort into it. I've got a lot of excuses as to why I haven't, but I feel like I can rationalize a little too well and that energy would be better utilized, oh, I don't know, actually studying!

So there we are. Back to the blogosphere. A tiny little speck I am. Which is just fine with me.