On being alone

I find myself thinking a lot about being alone. I don't mean to say I dwell on the fact that I am alone and am thus sad, but rather my day to day life is filled with many things that come and go with just me being aware of them, or making the decisions, or handling problems and making things happen without anyone else's input or assistance - just me.

I am glad that the inner sense of independence I think I've always had, though pushed aside while in a relationship (isn't that the point?) has returned unscathed. I mean, I walk confidently alone - literally - wherever I go. I'm not afraid of my alone-ness. And it's a good quality to have - it's pretty much a necessity unless you want to live being afraid.

But on the other hand, I genuinely don't think I want to always live alone, be alone. Except I worry that maybe I'm not good at the not being alone thing. Did I push away the one person I felt the least alone with? Or did I throw out all sense of independence and crush the relationship with neediness? Or maybe I did both?

I have a feeling that's probably what happened.

And I can't help but think it's impossible to expect things would ever be different with anyone else. Indeed, when I even begin to think that maybe someday there could be someone else I just feel...nothing. I used to feel sick about that idea. Now I don't feel anything at all. It sounds nice, it seemed nice, but maybe it's just not for me.

I get back to trying to feel like I should balance my sense of independence without feeling like I'm being selfish, and without feeling like I'd never be able to live any other way. It's an inner conflict that I just don't know how to solve.

Now, back to doing my thing. Which is to say whatever I want to do. Alone. In my quiet little home.