Venting

Know what stinks? Living beyond your means because you lived beyond your means. What? I am talking about feeling awful when I spend more than $200/month on groceries or $40 more than allotted on "dining out" (i.e. getting anything at a place other than my house, lord knows no fine dining experiences are had by this girl) because I've got to pay down my credit cards.

I'm committed to doing that, but it. is. HARD. I just really want to not be broke. I want the thought of getting a drink or lunch with a friend to not also give me anxiety over my bank balance - I just want to be excited and spontaneous and head out the door to have a good time. I just want a break. Instead, I've got to get new tires next month (one of the two 3-paycheck months of the year). And Christmas gifts? Yeah. No clue where funds are going to come from for those.

And I don't want to feel guilty for saving up for things for myself. But I do. When I see my "30th b.day trip" or "KitchenAid Mixer" fund go up and up, I think maybe I ought to put that cash towards the damn debt and not spend $ on myself. But I also know that when I start feeling like I'll never be able to buy anything for myself ever again it becomes a lot easier to break out the credit card for "just one thing". And then poof, I'm another $50 behind.

It's a vicious cycle. It's no one's fault but my own. I'm just REALLY ready to be done with it and maybe increase my "standard of living" to one where I can do more living and a little less worrying. Someday.