Not Enough

The past year was filled with all kinds of crappiness. Yet for the most part I was pretty successful with school and did very well with work. I channeled a lot of my need to keep moving and distract myself into these two venues, and it mostly worked. I think if I had a super easy job and no school to worry about the last year would have been much more difficult, simply due to the fact that I'd have a lot more time to dwell on it.

Now that things are not so much in crisis mode I thought I'd be doing even better - I'd really get to focus on school and put everything I had into it because I am single, broke, and intelligent. Unfortunately that hasn't exactly been the case. No, I'm not struggling with grades or skipping class - that's definitely not my style. But I really don't feel like I'm putting anywhere near my best effort into things, and I personally have a hard time with that.

I could wish again and again for the chance to have been a full time student, but that's disingenuous. I'm convinced on a daily basis that my school work benefits my actual career, both in the present and will in the future - and that my work benefits my school work by giving me perspective and background that other classmates may not have.

So it's not that. I just haven't been sucking it up and forcing myself to work on anything short of a last minute deadline for school. Not to mention the fact that work is BUSY. We are a family of people with a serious work ethic. So despite the fact that my the all this might not benefit my bank account, I say bring it on. It's interesting, I feel like I am using my brain (to excess, when it starts spinning and can't stop), and I feel like I'd be crazy not to take every opportunity to learn something new and show my value to my employer. In this economy I think that's especially important.

But at the end of the day I really feel like none of it's enough - I'm not performing as highly as I'd like to with work - why am I always feeling like I'm a day or two behind? Shouldn't I have adjusted to the new workload? I know I have before, so what's stopping me now? And why am I not pulling it together with school? Why would I want to torture myself with page after page of writing to do days, hours, before the deadline when I know weeks in advance what's expected?

Remember when I said that thing about being my own worst critic? Yeah. That again.