Happiness

Making a concerted effort to be happy is certainly something I wish I didn't have to do, and certainly wasn't something I used to have to do. Sure, there have always been things that made me sad or upset or frustrated, but deep down, I generally have been a happy person - who loved to talk, laugh, and just tried to keep an optimistic or idealistic view.

I haven't felt that way in months. I absolutely miss being truly happy - and I think re-learning how to do that is going to take some time. Sure, there are still things that make me laugh, and I make optimistic and idealistic statements still, but it doesn't feel the same and it doesn't always feel deep or true. Sometimes it's actually forced, other times it's more of an automatic response, and still others it's just plain shallow emotion.

There are times when I wish I could stop it - and force myself to wake up and just feel better. I'd love to simply snap out of it. But after enough wallowing I've begun to look anywhere and everywhere for inspiration, distraction, guidance, and have forced myself to give these things a chance. It's hard though. To go from the broken-hearted feeling (which, cliche as it is, was at times a true, physical feeling) to the numb, empty-hearted feeling (which also can be a near-physical sensation...odd and unnerving at times) to something just a bit further down that line back towards real, true happiness would be outstanding.

The past two weekends have been whirlwinds (most of all with the wedding of my childhood best friend) and it was the closest to happiness I've felt in a long time. It was nice. I hope there's more to come.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem feeling true and genuine happiness for others (i.e. my best friend) and I know that there was a time when I completely and truly felt what they feel. But it's missing in my soul right now - for me. Just typing this feels selfish, self-centered somehow and I think it's just going to be an uphill battle.