Own worst critic

Sometimes I'm completely and totally my own worst critic. Actually, I take that back. I'm pretty much always my own worst critic. Whether the situation is at work, school, or in life in general, I'm the first person (and truly, pretty often the only person) to make me feel bad about something. It's a bad habit and I'd love to try and break it. But I think it's rooted deep - somewhere near my inner perfectionist no doubt.

Of course, I'm well aware of my humanity - but I just have a hard time giving myself a break (without a guilt trip at least).

Take this weekend for example- it's been pretty damn awesome. I had an incredibly long week of work after an incredibly long few weeks of school and by Friday night I was more than ready to shift gears, let my hair down a bit and just relax.

And relax I did - from the minute I left work (at 6, instead of 4:30) on Friday until now. I've seen tons of friends, lounged around, watched a bunch of baseball, read a bunch of nonsense online, had breakfast out w/ the girls, hiked 4+ miles at Pere Marquette, watched the Cardinals kill the Rangers last night over several beers, watched the Cardinals get killed by the Rangers tonight over a few glasses of wine, saw my first marathon, cheered on a friend, jogged in the park, picked up groceries, planned some meals, and cooked dinner.

And yet, and yet, I still have a feeling of guilt that I didn't use my time as best I could. Truthfully, I spent several hours this weekend just telling myself to pull it together and get something done. Anything. Cooking, cleaning, it didn't matter - I kept telling myself how much better I would feel about the upcoming week if I could just have a "productive" day today.

But I didn't. And I'm not sure if that makes me lazy, or if my subconscious is trying to get me to relax. The problem is with school and other stuff taking up most of my "free time", I feel like weekends HAVE to be productive. I can relax, but I have to do just as much around the house and with homework. And when I don't, I'm disappointed and feel like I've failed.

I have no clue what's right. I tell myself that it's ok to be lazy - but the angel on the other shoulder tells me I'm not living up to my potential and this is exactly why. And I'm torn.