Cheer Up

Turned on Pandora and this came on and I think it was just the reminder I needed. Because right now I feel like I'm cheering up everyone but myself. And a whole lot of venom seems to be making its way through life.

"Cheer up baby, it wasn't really always quite so bad
For every bit of venom that came out, the antidote was had"

(Modest Mouse - Spitting Venom)

Getting better

There's no question that both my cooking skills and my confidence in the kitchen have come a long way since this time last year. To be truthful, I had about negative confidence when it came to cooking, and felt ok about baking - but uncertain. Now, thanks in large part to the fact that no one has to know if and when I mess things up terribly, I am starting to actually enjoy it a little bit.

Things that have helped me immensely are: a good, new knife (and truly, good quality tools in general), the How to Cook Everything cookbook by Mark Bittman (it's just amazingly useful for pretty much anything you'd want to make, technique, times, improv, etc.), and the right mindset. That last one was the hardest thing to overcome and I know I have a ways to go yet. But it's amazing how much better I feel about cooking when I relax, don't worry about making a mess, bring in some tunes or NPR or podcasts, and think carefully about what I'm doing, what's happening on the stove, and what adjustments I can make as I go.

And at the end of it all, I've hopefully got myself a decent homecooked meal, enough leftovers for lunches that week, and little bit better sense of self esteem. I'm still struggling to regain that after dealing with the ultimate rejection last year. I know I've got a long way to go, but I also know that I'm getting better.

On being alone

I find myself thinking a lot about being alone. I don't mean to say I dwell on the fact that I am alone and am thus sad, but rather my day to day life is filled with many things that come and go with just me being aware of them, or making the decisions, or handling problems and making things happen without anyone else's input or assistance - just me.

I am glad that the inner sense of independence I think I've always had, though pushed aside while in a relationship (isn't that the point?) has returned unscathed. I mean, I walk confidently alone - literally - wherever I go. I'm not afraid of my alone-ness. And it's a good quality to have - it's pretty much a necessity unless you want to live being afraid.

But on the other hand, I genuinely don't think I want to always live alone, be alone. Except I worry that maybe I'm not good at the not being alone thing. Did I push away the one person I felt the least alone with? Or did I throw out all sense of independence and crush the relationship with neediness? Or maybe I did both?

I have a feeling that's probably what happened.

And I can't help but think it's impossible to expect things would ever be different with anyone else. Indeed, when I even begin to think that maybe someday there could be someone else I just feel...nothing. I used to feel sick about that idea. Now I don't feel anything at all. It sounds nice, it seemed nice, but maybe it's just not for me.

I get back to trying to feel like I should balance my sense of independence without feeling like I'm being selfish, and without feeling like I'd never be able to live any other way. It's an inner conflict that I just don't know how to solve.

Now, back to doing my thing. Which is to say whatever I want to do. Alone. In my quiet little home.

Venting

Know what stinks? Living beyond your means because you lived beyond your means. What? I am talking about feeling awful when I spend more than $200/month on groceries or $40 more than allotted on "dining out" (i.e. getting anything at a place other than my house, lord knows no fine dining experiences are had by this girl) because I've got to pay down my credit cards.

I'm committed to doing that, but it. is. HARD. I just really want to not be broke. I want the thought of getting a drink or lunch with a friend to not also give me anxiety over my bank balance - I just want to be excited and spontaneous and head out the door to have a good time. I just want a break. Instead, I've got to get new tires next month (one of the two 3-paycheck months of the year). And Christmas gifts? Yeah. No clue where funds are going to come from for those.

And I don't want to feel guilty for saving up for things for myself. But I do. When I see my "30th b.day trip" or "KitchenAid Mixer" fund go up and up, I think maybe I ought to put that cash towards the damn debt and not spend $ on myself. But I also know that when I start feeling like I'll never be able to buy anything for myself ever again it becomes a lot easier to break out the credit card for "just one thing". And then poof, I'm another $50 behind.

It's a vicious cycle. It's no one's fault but my own. I'm just REALLY ready to be done with it and maybe increase my "standard of living" to one where I can do more living and a little less worrying. Someday.

First time for everything

One of the biggest challenges I've felt as a single girl is the need/desire to cook for myself (and occasionally others) at a level that meets my bare minimum expectations to be 1.) somewhat healthy 2.) at least a little bit delicious and 3.) to use use "good" (read: local/organic/unprocessed) ingredients.

Tonight I didn't exactly meet all of those requirements but I did have a big first in my kitchen. That would be cooking something with not one, not two, but three kinds of meat and I don't think I screwed it up and it involved whizzing some bacon in a food processor and using my hands to mix up two+ pounds of raw meat and eggs, form it into a free form loaf with chopped up veggies and cooking that huge thing for over an hour till it became meatloaf awesomeness (one of the venerable Gourmet magazine's last recipes). I actually think I requested this from the live-in chef who used to occupy my kitchen. Regardless, I felt like it would be a feat to accomplish and I jumped in.

Amazingly, the dish turned out well - I am starting to feel more and more comfortable in the kitchen - but of course I am alone and not cooking for anyone but myself. The pace is my own, the results are judged by no one but me, and total failures or complete mistakes can be whisked into the trash while no one's the wiser. The biggest hang-up I had when cooking (or thinking about cooking) when I was not single was that I'd be judged. That's completely irrational and I know it wouldn't have been that bad, but I didn't have the confidence one way or another.

And so I'm proud that I stepped out of my comfort zone tonight, got my hands dirty (and by that I mean, I really had to use my hands to mix up all the raw ingredients and I don't think I've ever done that before), and sat myself at the table with a glass of wine, a cloth napkin, no computer and a real meal cooked from scratch with my own two hands.

It doesn't sound like much to some people I'm sure, but for me, it was a pretty big first.

Now, who wants meatloaf leftovers? Good grief I never realized how much 2 lbs. of meat really was!! I should have halved the recipe. Eh. Live and learn.

#4

After several weeks, I've finally crossed another thing off my list and it feels like a weight has been lifted. Ok, so I guess a weight really has been lifted in the form of a whole lot of my hair. Yesterday I went and saw my favorite hair stylist at her super cute salon and said, ok, I think I'm ready for something drastic, I don't know, but I trust you.

And since she'd already been instructed by a certain friend/cousin not to let me leave without a major change, I think she was up for it.

I honestly felt pretty apathetic about it - like I knew I wasn't going to feel any sadness but I wasn't sure I'd be all that excited and couldn't decide if a new haircut would do anything for me.

Thankfully she's great, and did a wonderful job and gave me a haircut that seems super easy to maintain but definitely outside of the "safe zone" meaning: 1. the back of my neck is showing and 2. no ponytails.

It's a good thing. And lots of compliments already. Glad I went for it and even more glad I have fabulous people who can make it happen :)

Reminder

This is my note-to-self to take every single thing just one tiny step at a time. I completely suck at that and tend to jump right to the big picture and forget about all the stuff in between thus becoming immediately overwhelmed. I set my expectations high and then feel utterly unable to reach them from day one.

So I'm going to have to remind myself to do better by doing less. We'll see how it goes.

Also, by less I may mean getting my hair chopped. And while that's on my list of things to accomplish before 4/1/12 I am feeling total cold feet. I know it's just hair, but sometimes my long hair feels like a security blanket of sorts. My identity. The girl with the plain long hair. Pretty, but nothing special. So maybe I'll get the guts to break that mold, even just a tiny bit.

Exhausted

Today was one of those wear-you-down-till-every-last-ounce-of-your-energy is gone days. I never feel super energetic but this is the absolute opposite feeling.

The one bright spot was (finally) seeing a counselor. I have a completely open mind about it all and she seems like a good fit. All I know is something's gotta give.

And even better, she gave me the name of, and a recommendation for, a sleeping medicine that I need to ask my doctor about. Because I honestly don't know when the last time I fell asleep and had a good night's rest was. That would be major progress for sure.

Defined

Most of the time I am not entirely self-conscious of or really even thinking about my status as a single person. Certainly it crosses my mind during day-to-day stuff but it's fleeting and generally when I'm not otherwise consumed with the actual business of living life.

Which makes me wonder why other people at times seem to define me by my singleness. Like, it's one of the first things people bring up in conversation - or just brought up at all (note: if you're someone who considers me a close friend I am NOT talking about you. This is an acquaintance-only phenomenon I am concerned with). I don't see why it would be the easiest or most interesting thing to discuss with me.

Sample Conversation: "Are you dating anyone?" "No" "You're so cute/smart/fun" "That's very sweet of you, thanks."

Basically it's all kinds of awkward and how in the hell am I supposed to respond? "No, I am not but as soon as a person who blows me away both from a physical and intellectual attraction standpoint asks me out, I'll be sure to fill you in."

Obviously not the right response.

But how about instead of putting me into a little box that is my relationship status, people ask about school, or food, or the city or just if I've read any good books lately or hell, how I feel about the Dalai Lama. I mean, wouldn't anything be a better, more appropriate and less awkward conversation?

I guess at this point I just accept it, use my manners, and remember (like I would ever do this myself) never to discuss the relationship status of someone other than a close friend, especially in public.

Not Enough

The past year was filled with all kinds of crappiness. Yet for the most part I was pretty successful with school and did very well with work. I channeled a lot of my need to keep moving and distract myself into these two venues, and it mostly worked. I think if I had a super easy job and no school to worry about the last year would have been much more difficult, simply due to the fact that I'd have a lot more time to dwell on it.

Now that things are not so much in crisis mode I thought I'd be doing even better - I'd really get to focus on school and put everything I had into it because I am single, broke, and intelligent. Unfortunately that hasn't exactly been the case. No, I'm not struggling with grades or skipping class - that's definitely not my style. But I really don't feel like I'm putting anywhere near my best effort into things, and I personally have a hard time with that.

I could wish again and again for the chance to have been a full time student, but that's disingenuous. I'm convinced on a daily basis that my school work benefits my actual career, both in the present and will in the future - and that my work benefits my school work by giving me perspective and background that other classmates may not have.

So it's not that. I just haven't been sucking it up and forcing myself to work on anything short of a last minute deadline for school. Not to mention the fact that work is BUSY. We are a family of people with a serious work ethic. So despite the fact that my the all this might not benefit my bank account, I say bring it on. It's interesting, I feel like I am using my brain (to excess, when it starts spinning and can't stop), and I feel like I'd be crazy not to take every opportunity to learn something new and show my value to my employer. In this economy I think that's especially important.

But at the end of the day I really feel like none of it's enough - I'm not performing as highly as I'd like to with work - why am I always feeling like I'm a day or two behind? Shouldn't I have adjusted to the new workload? I know I have before, so what's stopping me now? And why am I not pulling it together with school? Why would I want to torture myself with page after page of writing to do days, hours, before the deadline when I know weeks in advance what's expected?

Remember when I said that thing about being my own worst critic? Yeah. That again.

Minor Breakdown + Friends

A minor breakdown today...was hoping to get through the week without one but sometimes things are just out of your control and you go with it, and move on. So while I'm about a hundred steps closer to deleting Facebook (oh if it weren't for the adorable kiddo pictures, namely of my niece and increasingly of my good friend's babies), I'd have done it already.

But that's beside the point. The point is that every day I am completely and totally grateful for my friends. There's no question that they have and continue to say and do pretty much everything right. I don't know where I'd be without them. Damn lucky to know so many amazing folks. And to have the instant ear of a select few whom I am not sure I can ever repay for all they've done.