Song of the Week

Hitting the 1 year mark (since, well, life threw me for a loop I never saw coming) means this is going to be the theme song for my week. I may drive my neighbors nuts by playing it and singing along all week long and I don't care one bit.

Mates of State: True Love Will Find You In The End from Amplified on Vimeo.

Running

Ran another 5k today, with some friends in halloween costumes (and a jogging stroller). Lots of fun, definitely walked a bunch and for that reason (and because it was just for fun) I am not worried about my very slow time. It was also through a VERY hilly neighborhood, so it's a good workout even if you're walking. We talked about signing up for the half marathon in April. That means a 12 week training program will start on January 23rd and I am completely unsure about my ability (and desire) to do that much running in the worst of the St. Louis winter. I absolutely HATE winter, hate the ice, hate the cold that takes your breath away. And I don't have the budget for fancy clothes and gear to actually survive that kind of weather. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to the next 5k and hope to really run it, trying to get my best time yet. If I can get myself to an 11 minute mile I'll feel pretty good about that.

And yeah, definitely going to need some new shoes soon.

Cards

(image via the Star-Telegram. Ha!)

The Cardinals are most certainly one of my most favorite things about St. Louis. And last night they did NOT disappoint. Coming from behind in both the series and the game in the 8th inning to win game 6 of the 2011 World Series against the Texas Rangers with a walk-off homerun slugged by the hometown boy (who happens to be one year my junior - feeling old?) in 11 glorious nail-bitingly awesome innings. And not only was the team - and its manager Tony LaRussa completely and totally giving it their all - the fans kept with 'em, staying to celebrate as long as they possibly could but without any ridiculous rioting or awful behavior "other" baseball towns may be occasionally guilty of.

Now, on to Game 7! Tonight is going to be the true test, but after last night (and this lackluster season), every else seems like gravy.

Immediate Gratification/Decisions

We had to watch this video for my HR class and I found it hitting me that maybe this is why I've struggled with spending and paying down my debts. I'm thinking of the time between the rewards (i.e. do something fun or buy something I think I need now versus in a few years when I am out of debt) and NOT also looking at the value of the rewards (is a $10 lunch today worth it when I'll be paying interest and putting myself another step away from being debt-free and having MUCH more disposable income so these decisions aren't even an issue?).

It's dry, and probably a bit obvious, but sometimes some things just click.

Also, I decidedly do NOT have "money-life balance". Never considered that phrase, but know that it sure would be a lovely thing to have.

...

Feeling sad about money now. I hate that. But it's so frustrating when you feel like you're stuck, prevented from doing all sorts of things you want to do.

In a funk today. Work is crazy, school is too, and there's never enough time to stay caught up, keep people happy and maybe get a good night's sleep every now and then.

I think it's probably best if I just keep my mouth shut for the next day or two (read: stop whining) and get some stuff taken care of so I can relax. Whatever that means.

Buckling Down

Tightening the belt. Pinching pennies.

Say it anyway you'd like but the end result is the same. I have GOT to get myself into a better place with my finances. I know exactly what I need to do and I know exactly where I can cut. Why is this such a problem?

Well, I could lay the blame in any number of places: poor financial skills paired with endlessly easy sources of credit from day 1 of college (or actually, from the summer of my 18th year onward). Or maybe it was my choice to move out, support myself on an hourly wage, and try to enjoy my early 20s as best I could (concerts, dinner out, new clothes now and then - basically living a tiny bit beyond my means and letting those tiny bits add up). Or maybe it was the putting myself through college thing (and thus charging my junior college tuition and taking out student loans for university). I could also blame the situation that put me in a bigger, nicer apartment with bigger rent and utilities that I now pay on my own instead of splitting two ways.

All of those things could be where I lay the blame. But what good does that do?

I'm ready to put the past behind me and truly buckle down, kick my credit card balances in the you-know-what and get out of the hole I dug myself.

I'm so tired of being 29 years old with a good paying job and still anxiously staring at the total on the checkout screen. Or cringing when the bill comes after a nice dinner with friends. Or saying no to the idea of taking a weekend trip to visit someone out of town who I love and miss. Or feeling bad when it's time to give someone a gift because my bank account has dwindled to nearly nothing. Etc., etc. etc. I'm so damn tired of it.

I want to live my life without this unnecessary burden. Which is not to say I want to be "rich" or have the capacity to dine at Niche every night of the week if I wanted (and I'm not sure I want to. Nor does my waistline). I just want to be able to relax about money, not fear an overdraft, or dread logging into my account, and build up some savings so when things like new tires or property tax or multiple birthdays/weddings, etc. loom, I'm good with it.

And maybe be able to treat myself now and then, guilt-free. Like that super cute green wool coat I've got my eye on over on my Pinterest board...

All of this means that once and for all I have to stop making excuses for why I can spend this little bit here and there on my credit card, why I can't take this chunk of cash out of my savings account, why I should think twice about shopping when there is food in my pantry and fridge. It's not going to be fun necessarily, and it's not going to be easy - but it IS going to be worth it to one day feel like I'm in control again. Holding oneself accountable is the hardest thing to do. But I'm putting my foot down once and for all.

Anyone got any other euphemisms? I think this post could use a few more ;)

Own worst critic

Sometimes I'm completely and totally my own worst critic. Actually, I take that back. I'm pretty much always my own worst critic. Whether the situation is at work, school, or in life in general, I'm the first person (and truly, pretty often the only person) to make me feel bad about something. It's a bad habit and I'd love to try and break it. But I think it's rooted deep - somewhere near my inner perfectionist no doubt.

Of course, I'm well aware of my humanity - but I just have a hard time giving myself a break (without a guilt trip at least).

Take this weekend for example- it's been pretty damn awesome. I had an incredibly long week of work after an incredibly long few weeks of school and by Friday night I was more than ready to shift gears, let my hair down a bit and just relax.

And relax I did - from the minute I left work (at 6, instead of 4:30) on Friday until now. I've seen tons of friends, lounged around, watched a bunch of baseball, read a bunch of nonsense online, had breakfast out w/ the girls, hiked 4+ miles at Pere Marquette, watched the Cardinals kill the Rangers last night over several beers, watched the Cardinals get killed by the Rangers tonight over a few glasses of wine, saw my first marathon, cheered on a friend, jogged in the park, picked up groceries, planned some meals, and cooked dinner.

And yet, and yet, I still have a feeling of guilt that I didn't use my time as best I could. Truthfully, I spent several hours this weekend just telling myself to pull it together and get something done. Anything. Cooking, cleaning, it didn't matter - I kept telling myself how much better I would feel about the upcoming week if I could just have a "productive" day today.

But I didn't. And I'm not sure if that makes me lazy, or if my subconscious is trying to get me to relax. The problem is with school and other stuff taking up most of my "free time", I feel like weekends HAVE to be productive. I can relax, but I have to do just as much around the house and with homework. And when I don't, I'm disappointed and feel like I've failed.

I have no clue what's right. I tell myself that it's ok to be lazy - but the angel on the other shoulder tells me I'm not living up to my potential and this is exactly why. And I'm torn.

Break

Finally - what has seemed like the longest midterm season yet is finished! To celebrate, I'm taking myself on a long overdue visit to 33 for a glass (or more) of wine, maybe some cheese, and The Death and Life of Great American Cities. So I can make some more progress on my list, you know. Currently on page 187 of 448 and it's not exactly "easy" reading. Which is completely the point.

Anyway, I can't wait.

Next?

Trying to decide which thing on my list I should cross off next. I tried including several things that cost little or no money because my budget is stretched as thin as can be with my big push to pay off the credit cards (and, you know, taking on the bigger rent by myself last year, and, you know, having the exact same paycheck since the beginning of 2008. Le sigh). But the fact is most of my list will require some kind of expenditure of my so-called disposable income.

I did pick up The Art of Happiness again this morning and I'm glad I did. But I want to read that slowly and I have many more chapters to get through. It's really nice to pick it up on Sunday mornings and read 1 or 2 sections and really let it sink in, instead of trying to turn as many pages as possible before I fall asleep at night (besides, that's when I read my HR and Finance text books!).

Thinking this over in the next few days. If I want to get everything done (though some things will be "in progress" for a bit), I need to check off 5 things each month. Roller derby? Hair cut? Bike riding? We'll see!

#3

Ran my first 5k race this morning. A race against no one but myself, but it was a lot of fun and I was surrounded with good company. I look forward to the next one, and beating my current "official" race time of 36.41 minutes. I know I can probably do a bit better than that, but it's not too shabby since I've totally slacked off with regular running lately. Time to get going again. May need to find some leggings or something though. It's definitely fall!

Next running goal is to run a 10k, but I think some more 5ks and maybe a 5-miler are in the future too. And probably a new pair of shoes.

One page

One page away from hitting the minimum required length on my first midterm paper and I get hit with a dose of f-ing nostalgia or flashbacks or whatever you want to call it when you remember suddenly how life used to be and it almost feels like you're living it again - sitting on the couch in front of the open window next to the front door that surely is going to open any second because you just heard that car pull up and you'll no longer be alone.

But you are.

Dammit.

Not letting this keep me from finishing this stupid paper tonight, but totally wishing that feeling would just go away forever and never ever come back.

Procrastination via Oven

I've never been a person with super strong study skills or the ability to sit and work on nothing but school work for hours at a time. Most of this is due to sheer luck and being "good" at school. I am in my 2nd to last semester of grad school and I'm really looking forward to being finished. But at this point, what with the maturity of an almost 30-year-old and the fact that I am paying every last dollar of my tuition costs, you'd think I'd put a smidge more effort into things. You'd think I wouldn't procrastinate on every last assignment. You'd think I could sit down in front of my computer, knock out several pages of a research paper on a topic of my own choosing in my chosen career field, and have no problems.

You'd be wrong.

Instead, I find myself constantly drawn to stupidly checking this or that website, and even more distractingly - cooking. That's right - I can find all the energy in the world for baking cookies, trying out a new recipe for my lunch that week, organizing the fridge, and learning how to make sourdough bread, and of course, washing every last dish in the sink, several times a day. All the while I have piles of school work just waiting: reading, papers, group assignments. I wish I could zone everything out and focus on what's really important. Instead, I let my stomach trump my brain.

And when this is the end result, I mean, can you blame me?

Baking and Yoga

Two things that I enjoy. Two things I'd like to do more of. Two things I need to stop making excuses about why I CAN'T do them.

This weekend I dragged myself to the fabulous outdoor class at the Tower Grove Farmer's Market. And, as always, it was completely worth it. I need to continue taking advantage of area classes throughout the winter but also recommit to doing yoga at home. It's easier to practice headstands in the privacy of my living room anyway! This doesn't have to be a big expensive thing, I have some good DVDs and can probably download a few other new lessons from iTunes. I used to be pretty decent (like, an advanced beginner trending towards intermediate) yoga student. Now I'm definitely a beginner who knows what she's capable of but doesn't have the physical ability at this point. But I know it'll come right back if I try. It's also a good companion to running. Which I absolutely must do more of.

I also began a sourdough starter two weeks ago and now, after a week in the fridge, it's been fed again so I can bake tomorrow. My first attempt and I'm feeling pretty good about it, thanks to several great tutorial's I've found online, and the right attitude. I love bread, and I enjoy baking - I'm one of those type A folks who doesn't feel intimidated by step by step instructions (I prefer them...probably why my cooking skills are lacking), and while my sweet tooth has withered away a bit, I do still love a good cookie and am always up to try something new. And of course there's bread. I absolutely love it. And if I keep up with the yoga and running, I can eat it without much worry. It's all about balance.

So I'm looking forward to putting more energy into these two things, because they both return the favor - and usually several times over. In both cases, practice makes perfect (well, no one's perfect, but practice makes better!) and the rewards are sweet.

#2

The second thing I accomplished was to use the dusty-but-essentially-new Weber kettle grill that had been languishing in my basement for a year. I wanted to haul it out, start the fire, and cook myself something delicious for dinner all on my own. Of course it was sort of a cheat to do it on my own because if I failed the only people to know are my crazy neighbors and me. Thankfully, I didn't fail. I had one hell of a delicious pork tenderloin - and it was pretty relaxing once I got everything under control. The whole sitting back with a beer thing while an open fire takes care of dinner was pretty great. And funnily enough, my little sis who lives 2 buildings down saw me from her porch and cheered me on. Next time I'll invite her down and we can grill together.

Girl vs. Grill tally: Girl 1 :)

#1

The first thing I accomplished on my not-even-fully-30-things-to-do-before-30 list was climbing the Compton Hill Water Tower. Where I took this picture.

St. Louis has 3 of the remaining 7 (or maybe 8) water towers in the United States, and this is the only one that's been restored fully so you can go up inside. They open it to visitors twice a month, the first Saturday and on full moon nights. I'll be going back on Tuesday when there's a full moon to check it out after dark. But this view, in my opinion, is even better than the Arch. 360 to boot. I love this city.