30

Just typing the title leaves me feeling a bit...disgusted? No, that's too harsh. But annoyed, or irritated perhaps. The truth is - quite clearly - I'm not ready to turn 30. But ready or not, in 6 months that'll be the case. I get that freaking out about a stupid number is entirely melodramatic but I'm gonna do it anyway.

I just haven't entirely accepted that this is how things are going to be as I hit that marker that shoves a person solidly into "adulthood", and "real life" regardless of what they've managed to accomplish and how they feel about it all.

So I've considered a list of 30 things I want to accomplish/experience before age 30. The problem with me and lists is that I feel incredibly foolish if I'm unable to check off every last thing in time. I don't want to feel a sense of failure...I want to feel a sense of accomplishment, and most of all, I really want to have something positive to look forward to that Sunday in April.

1. Run a 5K race - done! 10/15/11 in 36 mins
2. Run 10K (6+ miles) - done! 3/3/12
3. Have my place professionally cleaned
4. Pay off my credit cards (all 4 - but I'll settle for 3 by then) 3 down, 1 to go as of 4/6/12 (thank you student loan surplus) - DONE!!!!! 12/14/2012
5. Climb Compton Water Tower - done! 10/1/11
6. Take the knife skills class at Kitchen Conservatory - done 1/11/12!
7. Fly somewhere I've never been to - 3/25/11 to Seattle for work conference
8. Get another massage at the Chase Spa
9. Paint the bathroom - done 2/20/12
10. Paint the hallway
11. Clean up the basement storage
12. Use the BBQ grill (burn a bunch of sage on it first!) - done! Success on 10/2/11
13. Finish reading Death and Life of Great American Cities
14. Finish reading The Art of Happiness
15. Have a bike and ride it around
16. Wear makeup. Like eyeliner, and maybe lipstick. Regularly. - done, er, rather, habit formed! 12/1/11
17. Get a less than safe haircut - done on 11/11/11 w/ a big drastic chop!
18. Buy a case of wine, all at once
19. Get good at baking sourdough bread
20. Make at least 1/2 my Christmas gifts - didn't happen, but I'm ok with it and not going to dwell on a less than 100% score for this list.
21. Buy a pair of jeans from somewhere swankier than The Gap
22. Go sledding on Art Hill - Winter 2011/12 was a total bust in terms of snow. Bummer!
23. Eat dinner at 1 of the awesome places I never get to go to anymore - done 2/5/12 with a fab dinner at Niche
24. Eat something I've never eaten before - ate beef cheeks and stinging nettles at 2 nice restaurants in March. It was a good eating month!
25. Knit something other than a glorified potholder
26. Watch a roller derby bout - done 2/4/12
27. Buy myself a piece of pretty jewelry - done 4/12, got a cute little ring from Etsy
28. Hang out at the Hilton's new 360 bar. Went with friends on 4/5/12
29. Try contacts. Again. For the 4th time. - not so sure of this...the last eye doc I went to wasn't so convinced contacts were for me...a strong blinker - ha!
30. Take a last minute trip (i.e. sans months of planning)

Answers

I have none. None whatsoever. It's frustrating when you think about how life can throw you for a complete and total loop and still at the end of the day you don't have an answer for someone. Not fair - without a doubt.

Happiness

Making a concerted effort to be happy is certainly something I wish I didn't have to do, and certainly wasn't something I used to have to do. Sure, there have always been things that made me sad or upset or frustrated, but deep down, I generally have been a happy person - who loved to talk, laugh, and just tried to keep an optimistic or idealistic view.

I haven't felt that way in months. I absolutely miss being truly happy - and I think re-learning how to do that is going to take some time. Sure, there are still things that make me laugh, and I make optimistic and idealistic statements still, but it doesn't feel the same and it doesn't always feel deep or true. Sometimes it's actually forced, other times it's more of an automatic response, and still others it's just plain shallow emotion.

There are times when I wish I could stop it - and force myself to wake up and just feel better. I'd love to simply snap out of it. But after enough wallowing I've begun to look anywhere and everywhere for inspiration, distraction, guidance, and have forced myself to give these things a chance. It's hard though. To go from the broken-hearted feeling (which, cliche as it is, was at times a true, physical feeling) to the numb, empty-hearted feeling (which also can be a near-physical sensation...odd and unnerving at times) to something just a bit further down that line back towards real, true happiness would be outstanding.

The past two weekends have been whirlwinds (most of all with the wedding of my childhood best friend) and it was the closest to happiness I've felt in a long time. It was nice. I hope there's more to come.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have no problem feeling true and genuine happiness for others (i.e. my best friend) and I know that there was a time when I completely and truly felt what they feel. But it's missing in my soul right now - for me. Just typing this feels selfish, self-centered somehow and I think it's just going to be an uphill battle.

Crazy

I know that on the spectrum of craziness, I'm not exactly all that far down the line (though surely some family and friends may disagree) but I feel like recently I've become oddly paranoid. I think it's a result of being on my own, and I don't like it one bit.

I'm not talking about paranoid that something/someone is lurking and out to get me. I feel perfectly safe coming and going wherever I am. That's one thing I'm proud of - my independence and realistic sense of my surroundings.

No, this paranoia is more of the social sort. I constantly feel as though people are annoyed with me or upset about something I've said or emailed or just wish I would shut up. I have NO idea if any of this is true, and I would imagine that it's quite likely I'm being overly sensitive. But I think it's because I don't have that one person anymore who is there, always, to listen (even if sometimes it's half-assed). So when I email/text/tweet/call people and they don't really respond, I begin to worry.

I hate feeling so emotionally dependent on others. I just got so very used to having someone around who did truly care about things I had to say (well, until they stopped, of course). So now that I'm flying solo sometimes it just feels lonely. So I reach out. And then get confused when people don't always reach back. I don't expect the same level of concern for my daily life from others that you would from a significant other, but I guess it can be hard when you realize you're no one's first priority. They've all got other people to worry about ahead of you.

I think this sounds selfish, and yes, crazy. I'd love it if these things didn't bother me, but it's just one of the transitions back to (never-ending, I'm sure) single-dom that I struggle with. Hopefully not forever.

Change

It's the last "official" weekend of summer and mother nature seems to be in agreement - yesterday we suffered through 100 degrees and today it's in the 70s. The upcoming forecast has the beginning stages of fall weather written all over it, and honestly I'm glad. Summer is nice for like a month. I'm glad we have all four seasons here in St. Louis.

This year, well, these past 10 months, has been something of a blur and whenever there's a noticeable change or passing of time I find myself stopping and thinking about what's gone, where things might have been, and what could possibly be ahead. Ok, I'm lying, I think a whole lot more about the first two than the latter. I can try to think ahead but I generally get stuck beyond finishing grad school next spring, and even that's a stretch. I'm in more of a day-by-day mode still. I guess that's better than spending each day only looking back.

I don't want to keep feeling like this but I am not sure how to shake it. Nothing seems worth planning for at this point, mostly given my mediocre financial situation. I feel like the walking "bad example" for how to not live your life. Meaning - I'm the person that took out credit cards in college to support herself, pay tuition and books, and enjoy things like concerts, dinners, new clothes here and there. Never anything extravagant so most people wouldn't expect that I'd still be paying the price for the first half of my 20s at the tail end of the second half. But here I am - living the way a poor college student ought to live, except I'm 29. Gone are the new clothes (which sucks when you have a "real" job to dress for), weekends out of town (which would probably be good for my sanity, but oh well), dinners and wine and social events for the most part (again, never an extravagance but those are some of my favorite things to spend disposable income on. And I can't).

It all comes down to making some major changes in how I live my day to day life today, so that tomorrow - whenever that may finally come - will be less stressful, debt-free, and a reflection of who I am in the present, not who I was in the past. It's hard. It's frustrating. It's depressing quite frankly. I'm willing to take all personal responsibility though, and make my situation better. I just can't help but wish I wasn't even here in the first place.

Oh well. Keep on keeping on. Or something like that.

I'm certain

I'm certain that I'd never be able to raise a kid on my own, at least not with my (hardly hanging-on as it is) sanity in tact. Of course, this isn't even REMOTELY close to being an actual issue, but I've recently been provided with some pretty certain evidence to back up my beliefs. It's really really hard and I give all kinds of credit to those who do it - and the acknowledgment that I still really have just an inkling of an idea of the difficulty they go through - all for love of someone who you have to let grow up and go off and lead their own life - not even stick it out the way a partner you love would/should.

Anyway, lots of babies around these days and I know that their numbers will only continue to grow ("that age" as they say), so I'm glad to have a bit of understanding and experience for what goes into parenting. Those people are stronger than me, for sure.