Blue Box and Facebook

Sometimes you'll find yourself in front of the computer scarfing down an entire box of mac 'n cheese (though this was Annie's Organic in a blue box, but does it really even matter? No.) while FB stalking people's photos of them doing wonderful active things like: running 5ks and half marathons, trekking through mountains and canyons, testing out new road bikes, etc., etc.

And you will likely start to feel bad about yourself because 1.) you've begun running this year too, mostly because you can't ACTUALLY run away from things so it's nice to pretend like you are every now and then but 2.) you've become stuck at the 3 mile marker, can hardly manage that without occasionally walking, and are not really sure you'll ever get better and 3.) the horizontal striped shirt you wore today lived up to its figure-crushing reputation.

It can be frustrating to say the least. Of course, not bad enough to, I don't know, step away from the shells and cheese.

Oh well, at least you used an actual bowl and sat at the table. That counts for something, right?

Sleep

Why is something so very necessary to function in our daily lives so hard to come by - at least in any sufficient manner on a consistent basis?

Of course, I could throw back a Tylenol PM or two every night at 9:45, but that seems unrealistic. I'm not even home till 10 a few nights a week and need to wind down after class. I don't want to stay up excessively late though - there's absolutely no reason to do so. But it never fails that a majority of the nights each week I either go to bed too late or can't fall asleep or have a fitful night sleeping or feel like the waking dead when NPR starts telling me stories about dolphins or veterans or composers or politicians.

Does anyone actually ever in their lives feel like they get enough good sleep to be the happiest they can be? It seems a bit futile, to be honest. I hate that I even have to think about though. Like I said, why is something so necessary so damn hard?

Lazy

I have had quite the lazy Saturday. I wanted to get up early and run before brunch with some friends, but it didn't happen. When my alarm went off at 8, all I wanted to do was sleep in a few more hours - preferably with a cloudy sky or even rain making it feel like that's exactly what the rest of the world was doing too. Needless to say, that meant I was in no mood for a run. It's too bad because my running has really taken a dive with the onset of summer's deep heat, then the beginning of school. I need to find a way to work it into my new routine, and hopefully better temps will work in my favor, especially for the post-work runs I enjoy most of all.

Aside from a quick run to the bakery outlet (which I absolutely must support more often, it's a hell of a deal at $2/lb for artisan bread, including my very favorite for sandwiches), then a lovely brunch with two wonderful friends, I have done nothing today. Laundry, dishes, that's it.

I have a really hard time reconciling my desire to be a near-hermit most weekends, venturing out only for groceries as needed, with the fact that I should be enjoying the city and seeing friends and taking advantage of all the cool stuff that's out there. But to be honest, I AM happy after a long day of cleaning my little place, maybe doing some kind of cooking, and recharging my batteries to take on the week. But I think I should try to push myself out of my comfort zone (and oh, what a comfort it is to sit around in stretchy pants and tank tops and chug iced tea or water with lemon and read everything that catches my eye online).

I'm not a huge fan of summer heat and we've have a lot of that lately, but even on the nicest days I find myself sitting here, windows wide open and breezes blowing, but never going further than the backyard for a cup of coffee and some reading, or a quick run to my favorite grocery store. And this is where I'm conflicted. I feel like I need to focus inward after a long (and honestly, ongoing) road back from the breakup, followed by an intense several months of getting the house I grew up in ready for sale. So I don't feel entirely wrong for wanting to keep to myself and take it easy on Saturday and Sunday.

BUT, I'm 29, and feel like I'm keeping myself away from living life how I should be living, how you'd expect a girl with no real responsibilities these two days of the week to be. Add that to the fact that I am just a type-A kind of person for whom relaxation does not come naturally (like, I have no idea when I last took a nap - maybe a year ago?), and you have a recipe for unnecessary anxiety about the "right" way to spend a weekend.

Seems a little ridiculous now that I've written it all out. But that doesn't change the fact that it's what goes through my head and heart and here I am. Working on it.

Weekends

I have this love/hate thing with weekends. More love when work is tough, more hate when they're either filled (or conspicuously not filled) with things I used to do only not by myself. They can be hard to get through - and I'd say most days my range of feelings varies like crazy. If things don't quite go as planned I don't take it as well as I ought to because sometimes those two days can seem so incredibly precious.

I fully realize I should just learn how the hell to take it easy, relax on the weekends and not feel guilty about anything that does or does not get done, but that is exactly the problem. I'm not quite sure how to. I can tell myself to not worry a million times but the voice on the other shoulder will remind me of all the to-dos I should be crossing off and people I should be seeing.

None of these issues seem to be made much easier by the fact that I'm pushing full force ahead with my get the hell out of credit card debt ASAP plan. I just can not stomach the fact that I could have balances on my credit cards at age 30 when I've had a great, good paying job since age 26 - but unless I really get it together, I might. That's disappointing and a source of underlying stress.

So, some day I look forward to enjoying weekends again with great anticipation and a carefree attitude about what I do or do not do. Until then, I'm just going to try not to whine about cleaning the kitchen or how much lighter fluid my neighbor seems to require to make 2 pork steaks on his Weber. It's a start.

Week 1

Week 1 of this second-to-last semester is in the books. Well, I haven't exactly HIT the books yet, but the classes are finished and things are fine. Again, I think I can avoid a lot of the stress and anxiety I've given myself in past semesters by staying on top of things, and I have absolutely no excuse not to do so. The benefit of being single and broke? Eh, I suppose. But either way, the countdown is on.

Got it

I got it. Paper Thin Walls was the first song on Pandora this morning so I'm pretty sure that starting things up again here is a good plan.

Begin

I used to really like to write here. It's been years since I last posted, but somehow due to the beauty (horror?) of the internets, this place still exists, I can log in, and not surprisingly, it's apparently part of Google. I actually stumbled upon this place after leaving a comment on another blog and was sort of automatically logged into the profile, thought, "oh yeah! paper thin walls!", and began thinking about giving it a go.

So this is where I'll begin.

It's been a year of beginnings, or endings, or whatever the hell we're supposed to call it when life throws you for a hell of a loop and you eventually find yourself on your feet, not entirely steady but not entirely broken. You figure out how everything goes again in this new life where some things feel so completely NEW and then you alter the view and think some things have never changed. Everyone has probably been there at some point, and to differing degrees and I have no doubt that I'll be feeling some kind of beginning again and again. Life. That's just what it does, whether we like it or not.

I'm not entirely certain what direction to take this, but I am trying not to over-think it, because really NO ONE is out there, I'm not sure I want to tell folks this is even reincarnated, and also because it is a blog for pete's sake. But I also don't want to put myself in a box of sorts because I think maybe writing will be a very useful thing and I want to do everything I can to encourage any and all good that comes from this. I need a little more good in my life - and I'm pretty damn sure that it's gonna have to just come from yours truly.

I also don't want to use this an another form of procrastination when piles of reading and homework and paper-writing are looming as I wrap up my final year of grad school. That's right, 262 days from now (who's counting? I AM!) I shall have a piece of paper declaring my ability to master a subject that I wasn't even sure I could define 10 years ago, hell, probably even 6-7 years ago. It's going well, I could be doing better and putting more effort into it. I've got a lot of excuses as to why I haven't, but I feel like I can rationalize a little too well and that energy would be better utilized, oh, I don't know, actually studying!

So there we are. Back to the blogosphere. A tiny little speck I am. Which is just fine with me.