Moving On

Pretty glad to put the year 2011 to rest. Quite possibly the most emotional year I've ever lived, and unfortunately most of those emotions were of the glass half empty type. Of course there have been some wonderfully amazing moments this year, and plenty of just plain nice, sweet, and happy things as well. It doesn't do one any good to dwell on the bad - which is hard when remnants tend to stick around here and there like dust bunnies under the bed or old photographs unearthed in closet-cleaning frenzies. But I've started to learn that it only takes a tiny bit of calm, some focus, and a pinch of distraction at times (but not too much!) to get those old feelings unstuck and to keep moving.

So I'm declaring 2012 the year of moving on, moving up, and just plain moving. Realizing how awful standing still can be was a good lesson, a necessary lesson. But enough is enough.

I still need to sit and write out some resolutions, some goals, for the year ahead. But for now it's all I can do to get my head, my heart, moving on.

Expectations

For some reason, well, probably for several reasons, I never caught the holiday spirit this year. Weather, finances, school, distractions abound. Not being a religious person probably has something to do with it as well but there are a lot of people who get totally caught up in the secular aspects of the holiday which is perfectly fine but it turns out I'm just not one of them. Not now, at least.

But I'm feeling ok about, I don't feel sad, I'm not depressed about the holidays, being "alone" etc. Sure there are moments I think it would be more than nice to have someone to drag along to parties and be dragged along to their family parties. Sure I miss the old way, the traditions that are no more. But not enough to make me feel down or like the absence of those things is a burden.

And I think it's because I've tried to manage my expectations. It's something that's always hard to do when events are on the calendar (whether it's a standing event like Christmas or an upcoming vacation or party). It's easy to get caught up in the prep and making things turn out just perfect, planning and thinking things through until expectations are sky-high. And then when reality rolls around and things surely don't go as planned it can be super easy to crash and burn and feel as though everything is ruined.

I don't want to feel that way anymore. And I'm quite guilty of the offense, have been for pretty much as long as I can remember. While I may never be someone who can easily and effortlessly go with the flow, I know I can be better about just enjoying life as it comes and keeping perspective. What may have once seemed like utter disaster is probably something that can be laughed away if I just stop and think about it. Or at least something that can be handled without a breakdown or breaking out my five-star pout. It's just not necessary.

There could also be a little defensive thinking here - having had some super big expectations dashed maybe I also want to protect myself, my heart. But it's a conscious choice I'm working on and overall I think it's a beneficial quality to develop. Life's certainly too short to pout about Christmas. They even wrote a song about it.

Weeks Ahead

Finally got to go running this morning. The first chance I had in two weeks where there was also daylight and enough energy to do it. Looking forward to getting out a few more days this week. I'm not exactly an outdoors person, especially in cold weather, so I was surprised to enjoy it - the fresh air, the Sunday morning quiet. I know the winter is just setting in and there will be lot colder temps in the weeks ahead but I'm going to keep pushing myself to get out there.

It's also just 5 weeks from the start of 1/2 marathon training time. Which means in the weeks ahead I'll also have to decide if I can and want to commit to it. The training program I looked at most recently recommended you be running a total of 10 miles a week when you get to week 1 of training. That's perfectly reasonable sounding, but I've never run in single-digit temps either. Nor do I have access to a soul-sucking deadmill, I mean treadmill. But instead of getting too far ahead of myself I'm going to focus on just this next week. 2 more runs, at minimum. Now that it's winter break I know I can make the time. Looking forward to it.

Run run run

I haven't had a chance to go running in about 10 days or so. And I can't wait to get out and go!! And it's winter! Maybe tomorrow, post-dentist appointment. It's hard right now, the darkest time of the year, to get a chance to go on workdays.

So I will now add to my list yet another thing I couldn't possibly imagine myself thinking a year ago. Though I do remember, in the first few days after things fell apart, thinking that when I felt physically able (turns out subsisting on crackers and protein smoothies for weeks will make you feel pretty bad), I'd run. I knew I would want to - just to escape if only for 30 minutes at a time.

And now I want to run because it feels good. Even better.

Pretty Certain

I'm pretty certain that a year ago, while spending every shred of my being to get through my longest (and apparently most well-written) policy research paper and first microeconomics final, I did NOT eat any meals quite like the one I just had. And it was leftovers.

Nope, not a chance that I could have thought I'd be able to make beef stew (with barley, mushrooms, and thyme) that actually tasted GOOD and had that alongside sourdough dinner rolls that also look and taste so wonderful, made with my own 2 month old starter. Not at all.

But I can, I did, and I'm really sort of proud. I would have taken a picture but it didn't last. Not tonight's at least.

Maybe it's the change in seasons and the fact that it's pitch dark when I arrive home after work. Or maybe it's the fact that procrastinating (it is finals time after all) while doing something for myself - to feed myself, seems perfectly reasonable. Either way, I'm glad that the cooking/baking bug seems to be catching. And that my confidence is gaining ground.

My stomach's pretty happy about it too.

Taking the advice

I've been given a whole lot of advice in the past few weeks. Almost all of it has been incredibly useful, and the topics have ranged widely - for example: how to make your to-do's better, why you should follow your passion in your career, how to properly roast a chicken, why I should make a better effort in my physical appearance, which color boots I should buy if I want to wear them with black and brown (tan and gray, for the record), and how to appropriately deal with self-defeating thought processes.

Pretty much everything was either directly solicited by me, or offered because the giver knows me well. I've appreciated every last thing these people have told me.

So then why has it been so hard to just take the advice - and keep taking it until whatever it is I asked about or had trouble with is no longer a question or a problem?

This is the challenge. I'm going to keep trying to do better. And I'm going to really hope that finishing the next few days of finals will give me the much-needed mental capacity to do it. So ready to feel like I've accomplished something meaningful. It's been a really long time since that's happened. Or maybe I just don't remember?

#5 and progress

I go through phases where I wear makeup and then I wear none, and then I do things like wear silver eyeliner and hot pink lip gloss. Oh wait, that was when I was 20. Anyway, I had been in a phase of wearing next to no makeup and while I'm fortunate to have "good" skin and while I also believe in "natural" beauty products, there really was something be said for how I felt when I took the time to do a little magic in front of the mirror each morning. It goes against my inner tomboy (she's pretty quiet, but she's there all the while, especially when it comes to hair, clothes, and makeup).

But at the urging (pushing?) of a certain friend, I re-committed to breaking out the mineral powder, eyeliner and lash curler each day. With the occasional addition of lipstick thrown in when extra emphasis was needed. And you know what? I'm glad I did. I do feel better about myself, I also feel like I look more awake and put together, which is nice when you need to fake the truth from time to time. And I do.

I still use mostly my natural mineral makeup, and I'm hooked on pure argan oil moisturizer, so the occasional conventional product isn't bothering me too much. All in all, I think I'll stick with it.

And I've got lipstick shopping on the to-do list as well. Who would have thought?

Now as for progress on the rest of my list (since I'm only 16% of the way there with 4 months to go), I'll say that there are a few things well underway and in progress, and several more on the winter break agenda. I can't wait to have a few weeks with no school work to worry about and suck up all my free time. It should be great. So consider this your warning, pink bathroom walls. I'm coming for you.